this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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