Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
