Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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