we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
