community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
