I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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