dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
