I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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