Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
