Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
