Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
