Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
