One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize