I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
