My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
