I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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