"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
