Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
