What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
