my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I think people are normalizing furries
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
