You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
