I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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