I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize