I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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