Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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