There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
