that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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