I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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