When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
