I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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