I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
