After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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