im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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