you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I FOUND THE LEGS
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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