i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Operation Purity has been aborted
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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