i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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