What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
