apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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