Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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