If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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