if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
