I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
