I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize