I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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