VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
