Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
