you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
