Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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