Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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