Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
