Will you blow on my dice?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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