elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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