I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
