So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
