I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
