maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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