Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
