so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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