If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize