What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize