ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
