I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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