just survived the first fart of the relationship.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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