She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
