Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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