Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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