11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
