Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
