i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
there is glitter all over my balls
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