I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
